Rough Patch

My mental breakdown was 4 months ago. I had ‘flipped out’ as mother likes to put it. The pills make me sleepy during daytime so I’m writing this in the evening. Doctor says it’ll take a year before I can fully recover, before my misery can end.

My mind’s a mess, thoughts are scattered everywhere like things in a messy room and all thoughts are negative. I have lost my way and I don’t think I can live in this upside-down world for a year— I have occasional suicidal ideations.

I still don’t know what triggered it. I’m sure that lockdown played its part but how I started to lose my way is still unclear to me.

Crucial to finding the way is this: There is no beginning or end.

~Mrityunjay Dixit

Posted over at dverse

49 thoughts on “Rough Patch

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  1. Dear Jay, can’t believe that I am reading this!! Please take care of yourself, speak out to your dear ones. Everything will be alright soon . You are going to be alright soon. Stay strong. Love and prayers ❤️❤️🤗🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If this is autobiographical, I wish you well. I really feel when you say ‘all thoughts are negative.’ I have a medical condition which causes flare-ups of negative thoughts and even suicidal ideation, and I have to do this constant mental exercise of cancelling thoughts as they occur. Keep writing if it helps and keep sharing your wonderful words!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. “My mind’s a mess, thoughts are scattered everywhere like things in a messy room and all thoughts are negative.” Ah…..there is no simple answer but to look up and outward. Look at the responses here which are the positives you can arrange on a shelf in your room….take them out and ponder them and look at them. Understand that many people care.
    And yes….as someone said…..keep writing. Find color….search for a painting or drawing or garden scene and describe it….those will be positive images placed by your words into your mind. You are valued….please come back to dVerse again and again and again and again. Wishing you a spot of serenity today and some sunshine to come through your window.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Our minds are so mysterious. I’m sure this pandemic has weakened and played havoc on many. You are not alone but yet you may feel that way sometimes. Don’t ever give up. Better times are ahead of you. Writing and nature are great healers.
    M Jay, if you ever need someone to listen, I will.
    Email: mishunderstood61@gmail.com

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I still don’t know what triggered it.
    I’m sure that lockdown played its part
    but how I started to lose my way is still unclear to me.

    Love this Jay! It is a reminder in itself. It is true once triggered it might unnecessarily take over. It takes some effort though and things will fall in place!

    Hank

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh, Jay! I barely know you, but you are very brave to share what happened and how you feel. And though you say your thoughts are all scattered, you produced a well-written coherent piece that fit in a tricky prompt line. So, there’s that. I think this year has been difficult for many. I know I’ve felt it–writing poetry and taking nature walks has helped me deal with grief and stress this past year. I hope the writing helps. It seems to for many people. Wishing all the best, and sending virtual hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I honestly believe that Jesus loves you and created you for a purpose. He obviously gave you incredible talent. I am praying that He will draw you in and give you peace, hope and joy.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hi Jay,
    I’m so sorry you have been struggling so much.
    I always hold you in my prayers and heart.
    The pandemic was really hard on people so you are not alone.
    I really agree with your lines here:

    “Crucial to finding the way is this: There is no beginning or end.”

    Sending you lots of love and healing my pen pal. I have missed you❣️
    🙏🙏🙏

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Cindy, thank you for all the well wishes, I have missed you too, my condition started around the time we were chatting and hence I wasn’t in the state of having conversation and do my blogging. I plan to visit your blog and get caught up with how have you been. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re so welcome Jay. I’m so glad to hear that the feeling was mutual. I understand and can imagine how hard that must have been for you. I’m so glad you’re back putting pieces together now. I didn’t realize I had missed so many posts of yours. I was trying to be mindful of your space, so I didn’t want to bother you. I’ll be delighted to share everything with you when you get time but no rush. I’m just happy to see you writing and feeling better ❣️💖❤️🙏

        Liked by 1 person

  9. you raw honesty is impressive and being able to express it so coherently means that you are healing! When we deny or avoid our suffering it can magnify, but by sharing it so bravely demonstrates you will heal well.

    Praying you now have the supports you need, and when those symptoms revisit, as they will, distraction helps heaps. Read, write, phone a friend .. you’ve had more pressures than just the lockdown, you’ve had study too, posting here, etc.

    So be kind and gentle with yourself, do things you enjoy … HUGS and love from all here. You have touched so many in your brief time online, so print out these responses and read them as needed!

    Liked by 1 person

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