To Be Gray/Grey

I slipped, bad
and now I’m here again.
In this dark pit—

My old house
once white
now a paintless grey
the Sun
cast a mournful fainting light
through the curtains, clean
but tired and limp.

Utterly lost,
folded
stapled and mutilated.

I’m so familiarized
with swallowing compromises
with my rheumy,
unhappy eyes
so stripped off my manhood
that even my name
is no longer mine
to decide, grey or gray?
I am whatever you say I am.

I weep because I’m weak
as I feel the doom surrounding
me and stealing life.

Yet I muster up
what little dignity I find.
My nicotine-stained fingers
with ragged nails
ball up into a fist
and when I unclench, I see 
in them--crinkles of new courage.
It’s a beautiful kind of pain.

But I’m still stagnant,
my insides are crawling
with the fear of starting over
and it’s cold
trying to get out of this hole.
Or am I just another crab
in the bucket? That you pity
and try to ignore?

You always look at me with suspicious eyes
Never quite believing what I’m saying
And I can’t always find the right words
to express how I’m feeling.

You never even see
my significance,
I am the quiet charger of your mobile phone
and the carpet beneath your warm
dirty feet.

But this time, when my thoughts become black
I am not going to swallow
instead, I’m gonna show you
my authenticity.
Like grey clouds crying out
a thunderstorm,
I’m gonna make
you tense and shake
like a gray chain link fence
as my words will charge at you
like an angry elephant
finally finding the light
after being chained in the dark
and made into clown
for so long.

© M. Jay Dixit, September heart-to-hearts, 2021 All Rights Reserved

Inspired by dverse prompt: True Colours?

The featured image is taken from here

40 thoughts on “To Be Gray/Grey

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  1. “I’m so familiarized
    with swallowing compromises
    with my rheumy,
    unhappy eyes
    so stripped off my manhood
    that even my name
    is no longer mine
    to decide, grey or gray?
    I am whatever you say I am.”

    That is strong M Jay, to be compromised into complacency — and yet it happens to too many in this life. Your words here hit me hard! Well written!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bravo! You got inside the mind of grey, lived it, breathed it! I so enjoyed the images and metaphors you used to evoke the emotions of this color. You brought him to life and he truly voiced his discontent. I think this is a brilliant write.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I like the pervasive atmosphere you pound like a hammer where the tension builds until:
    “I’m gonna make
    you tense and shake
    like a gray chain link fence”
    The sensory impact is sharp here. The grey character can fight their way to the surface and be validated but they often don’t escape for long. Great characterization, Jay.

    Liked by 1 person

        1. ha! that was cool to know, now that you say it I am thinking too about how when I used to color and draw as a kid, I’ve always used the word Gray to describe it there. But I never use Gray when I am thinking of grey hair or grey mood or etc.

          Nice thought 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

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