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I’m clothed in warm happy clothes, I am wrapped in a fluffy blanket as I am writing this. It’s an early winter morning. Stress comes in with its red warnings and tells happiness to “suck it”. Happiness, like a fused tubelight, vanishes in a second. I wrestle with mania.

Acute-transient-psychosis, doctors said, causes are unknown. It’s genetic but no one in my family has ever had it, we have inquired everyone we know, in the process, our whole family now knows that I’m cuckoo in the head.

My own deduction is that it was stress-induced. In the days leading to the breakdown, I was very happy and stressed out at the same time. So, now, my cuckoo brain associates happiness with danger and cautions me every time I feel that sunny feeling. Stress is a bitch, everything I do is stitched with its color.

144 words

© M. Jay Dixit, September heart-to-hearts, 2023 All Rights Reserved

Posted over at dverse


Write prose based on some given lines of poetry. This can be flash-fiction or creative non-fiction, but it cannot exceed 144 words in total (not including the title) and must not be poetry (no versification, line breaks, metre, etc.)

Write a prose to William Stanley Merwin’s following line of poetry:

Everything I do is stitched with its color.

A/N: I’ve written a creative-nonfiction prose today. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is just a side effect of our excellent pattern-recognition system of our brain. My father, who at one time rode his Yamaha RX-100 at 120 km/hr for long periods of time now can’t even go as high as 80 km/hr on his Kawasaki Boxer. Reason: He had an accident, which didn’t even happen at high speed but that’s PTSD for you. Our brain doesn’t know what caused the trauma so it just cautions everything that happened in the time leading up to it. Well, happiness is my trigger it seems. And if my trauma’s trigger is stress, then what? It’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it?


35 thoughts on “PTSD

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  1. Jay, being aware of what is happening hopefully gives you some relief from it? It seems like it would be a very uncomfortable situation, having happiness be the trigger for your trauma 😦 Good use of the line.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks to one of my friend, I got to know about PTSD a week ago when I shared with him how I am on edge these past couple of days because I am off AntiPsychotics and now I am writing and running and waking up early, everything I was doing in the days just before that nightmarish experience.

      Then he told me it is normal to feel that way, it is a condition called PTSD.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The mind is so complex, and perhaps any heightened state could be a trigger, so best to try to meditate and keep some balance going forward. This is good advice for myself, as well. I appreciate the transparent way you share your thoughts in this, it really draws the reader in! 💝

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A lot of us can relate to this. Most often, we ask ourselves what will come after our happiness highs? Because experience has taught us, time and time again, that life is one big wheel of good, bad, and in betweens. Let’s keep fighting! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I relate to your creative-nonfiction prose, Jay, especially the warm happy clothes and fluffy blanket, which tend to make me feel a little better, especially in the current weather, dark, cold and miserable. I’ve been suffering with anxiety and depression since the start of the pandemic and the idea of happiness being ‘like a fused tubelight’, vanishing in a second resonates with me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. A frank, honest piece that invites comment. Happiness is elusive, intangible and fleeting. It’s usually a memory we look back on rather than being conscious of it in the moment. I’d concentrate on the stress, try to untangle it and rationalise it. Not easy, especially if you have valid worries. If they’re irrational worries, hang onto that certitude.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It’s very brave–and hopefully helpful–to share your story this way, Jay.
    I’m not a medical doctor or counselor, so I won’t offer advice, only a sympathetic reading. My son-in-law is a former combat veteran who has PTSD, so I know there are all sorts of treatments. Our brains like to form patterns, but we can create new patterns. I suppose you need to find a way to cope with stress. Good luck! 💙

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks very much, Merril. I don’t think my symptoms call for a medicinal or theraputical treatment as they are not that severe. Mostly, I am fine. I know PTSD can be a severe illness in itself, I hope your son-in-law gets well soon. 🧡

      Liked by 1 person

  7. a brave write, PTSD sadly affects far too many but knowing yourself and your triggers do help you cope much better! You are a very aware young man who I am sure can use that to improve your condition … but many may still need meds and there is no shame in that 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hi Jay!
    Thanks for sharing this in poetry so others understand what it is like to have to deal with this. I’m glad you got a diagnosis as sometimes that’s half the battle but it doesn’t always help. It’s a tough one to deal with but I hope you are regulated now. All the best always! ❣️

    Liked by 1 person

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