I’m clothed in warm happy clothes, I am wrapped in a fluffy blanket as I am writing this. It’s an early winter morning. Stress comes in with its red warnings and tells happiness to “suck it”. Happiness, like a fused tubelight, vanishes in a second. I wrestle with mania.
Acute-transient-psychosis, doctors said, causes are unknown. It’s genetic but no one in my family has ever had it, we have inquired everyone we know, in the process, our whole family now knows that I’m cuckoo in the head.
My own deduction is that it was stress-induced. In the days leading to the breakdown, I was very happy and stressed out at the same time. So, now, my cuckoo brain associates happiness with danger and cautions me every time I feel that sunny feeling. Stress is a bitch, everything I do is stitched with its color.
144 words
© M. Jay Dixit, September heart-to-hearts, 2023 All Rights Reserved
Posted over at dverse
Prompt
Write prose based on some given lines of poetry. This can be flash-fiction or creative non-fiction, but it cannot exceed 144 words in total (not including the title) and must not be poetry (no versification, line breaks, metre, etc.)
Write a prose to William Stanley Merwin’s following line of poetry:
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
A/N: I’ve written a creative-nonfiction prose today. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is just a side effect of our excellent pattern-recognition system of our brain. My father, who at one time rode his Yamaha RX-100 at 120 km/hr for long periods of time now can’t even go as high as 80 km/hr on his Kawasaki Boxer. Reason: He had an accident, which didn’t even happen at high speed but that’s PTSD for you. Our brain doesn’t know what caused the trauma so it just cautions everything that happened in the time leading up to it. Well, happiness is my trigger it seems. And if my trauma’s trigger is stress, then what? It’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it?
September heart-to-hearts 
The first person zoomed in start really grabbed me and startled me. I enjoyed the lack of color and then the abundance of rapidly firing neurons.
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Thanks for that wonderful compliment, K. Glad you enjoyed it. :>)
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You’re very welcome. I did, indeed.
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Jay, being aware of what is happening hopefully gives you some relief from it? It seems like it would be a very uncomfortable situation, having happiness be the trigger for your trauma 😦 Good use of the line.
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Thanks to one of my friend, I got to know about PTSD a week ago when I shared with him how I am on edge these past couple of days because I am off AntiPsychotics and now I am writing and running and waking up early, everything I was doing in the days just before that nightmarish experience.
Then he told me it is normal to feel that way, it is a condition called PTSD.
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You have a good friend there. Take it easy, Jay.
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Yes, Lisa. I am trying to do exactly that. Thanks dear friend.
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In that previous comment, I was called you, a dear friend btw, as in, thanks Lisa. I thought I should point this out because it sounds confusing in that comment 😅
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No worries, Jay. Thanks for the clarification.
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This is very well written, Jay!
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Thanks very much, dear Dwight!
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You are welcome, Jay.
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The mind is so complex, and perhaps any heightened state could be a trigger, so best to try to meditate and keep some balance going forward. This is good advice for myself, as well. I appreciate the transparent way you share your thoughts in this, it really draws the reader in! 💝
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A very good advice, Tricia. Thank you. I pray (which is kind of meditation) and take walks. I’m glad you find the the writeup good. 💖
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Yes, prayer helps me as well. And music! Take care, always enjoy your writing!
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A lot of us can relate to this. Most often, we ask ourselves what will come after our happiness highs? Because experience has taught us, time and time again, that life is one big wheel of good, bad, and in betweens. Let’s keep fighting! 🙂
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Yes, lets! Thank you 💖
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I relate to your creative-nonfiction prose, Jay, especially the warm happy clothes and fluffy blanket, which tend to make me feel a little better, especially in the current weather, dark, cold and miserable. I’ve been suffering with anxiety and depression since the start of the pandemic and the idea of happiness being ‘like a fused tubelight’, vanishing in a second resonates with me.
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Thank you, Kim. Yes, these past few years have been the worst times. I hope we’ll be able to overcome our anxiety and depression and live a happy life this year.
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A frank, honest piece that invites comment. Happiness is elusive, intangible and fleeting. It’s usually a memory we look back on rather than being conscious of it in the moment. I’d concentrate on the stress, try to untangle it and rationalise it. Not easy, especially if you have valid worries. If they’re irrational worries, hang onto that certitude.
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Yes, that’s the right way to go about dealing with stress. Thank you for the wise advice, Jane🌹
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I wish I practiced what I preach 🙂
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It’s very brave–and hopefully helpful–to share your story this way, Jay.
I’m not a medical doctor or counselor, so I won’t offer advice, only a sympathetic reading. My son-in-law is a former combat veteran who has PTSD, so I know there are all sorts of treatments. Our brains like to form patterns, but we can create new patterns. I suppose you need to find a way to cope with stress. Good luck! 💙
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Thanks very much, Merril. I don’t think my symptoms call for a medicinal or theraputical treatment as they are not that severe. Mostly, I am fine. I know PTSD can be a severe illness in itself, I hope your son-in-law gets well soon. 🧡
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You’re welcome, Jay. I’m glad your condition is not severe. 💙 My son-in-law is fine now, but I suppose it’s something that is always there?
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I’d like to think it goes away. But yeah, our brains never really completely forget traumatic events.
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I hope this sharing helps you… for the rest of us I think it may work as a warning. we need to be careful because what i read from you, is that the way back may be long.
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Yes, you’re right, Björn. Thank you very much ❤️
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A little stress makes life exciting, but how easy it is for too much stress to overwhelm us! An insightful and well-written post, Jay!
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Many thanks, Cheryl 💖
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a brave write, PTSD sadly affects far too many but knowing yourself and your triggers do help you cope much better! You are a very aware young man who I am sure can use that to improve your condition … but many may still need meds and there is no shame in that 🙂
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Oh yes, Kate. Medications are godsend in the psychiatry. I’d never have recovered if not for the aniti psychotics. Thank you 🧡
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yea for you but be wary as relapses can happen 🙂
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Hi Jay!
Thanks for sharing this in poetry so others understand what it is like to have to deal with this. I’m glad you got a diagnosis as sometimes that’s half the battle but it doesn’t always help. It’s a tough one to deal with but I hope you are regulated now. All the best always! ❣️
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Yes, Cindy, thank you very much, dear friend. 💖
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