…So I Write

Nostalgia
tainted
with sooty thoughts.

Not in control
of myself
I write

with pain
smudging
colorful memories
painting them black.

Love and light
are lost.

All that’s left
are regrets
that pinch

so badly
I get through

my days
turn slowly
into sleepless nights.

44 words

~Mrityunjay Dixit

Posted over at dverse

Rough Patch

My mental breakdown was 4 months ago. I had ‘flipped out’ as mother likes to put it. The pills make me sleepy during daytime so I’m writing this in the evening. Doctor says it’ll take a year before I can fully recover, before my misery can end.

My mind’s a mess, thoughts are scattered everywhere like things in a messy room and all thoughts are negative. I have lost my way and I don’t think I can live in this upside-down world for a year— I have occasional suicidal ideations.

I still don’t know what triggered it. I’m sure that lockdown played its part but how I started to lose my way is still unclear to me.

Crucial to finding the way is this: There is no beginning or end.

~Mrityunjay Dixit

Posted over at dverse

Poem: Mutilation

I embrace 
this mutilation.

The torment
has tore me in two.
It's in the air I breathe
heavy, cold 
as snow this silence 
surrounding 
strangling
submerging me underneath.

Can't feel my right hand, 
I can't write
There's no righting 
of this kind of wrongness.

Linked to dverse: Monday Quadrille

M. Jay Dixit, 2021

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