Trigger Warning: If you are in a state of paranoia or psychosis please don’t read the following piece as it contains a detailed version of a delusion.
I can see the ceiling fan, bloody in the glow of the exit sign at hospital corridor. As I concentrate on it, I can see its hub is rotating but not the blades. That’s strange, given how it’s switched off. Lately, I’ve been seeing other strange things too. Last night a dark man with no face tried to put a curse on me, so I stabbed him but he didn’t die, the knife was blunt.
My mother is here. She’s the only one I trust. The nurse here is my sister. But mother tells me that the nurse just looks like my sister and has the same glasses as her. I trust my mother, she’s right, the nurse can’t be my sister because my sister is only 14. I am so confused.
As long as the hub is rotating, I know there’s something wrong with me. I can see my reflection in the fan. It shows me in a hospital gown, lying in the bed and everything is spinning. Round and round it goes, so confused.
I remember when it started. A mosquito bit me while I was meditating on the terrace of our home. That was no ordinary mosquito, it was sent by the dark man, yes I know, it cursed me. It made me crazy.
Like the trees at fall
I am losing my leaves
With a dream of spring
Posted over at dverse: Haibun Monday: Look Up!
Prompt
“Today I want you to write about a time you looked up and saw. . .something.”
A/N: On March 1 2021, I was admitted for 3 days in a hospital because I’ve had an “episode”. It was the first time something like that had happened to me, me and my family were so scared. When I couldn’t get to sleep for 3 days in a row and began talking nonsense, hearing and seeing things that weren’t there, my father decided that they should take me to the hospital. There the psychiatrist told me that I was showing symptoms of schizophrenia, that I’ve had an episode of what they call, Acute Transient Psychosis. Months later I became stable, the meds helped though their side effects were horrible! I got fat, slept 12 hours a day, couldn’t concentrate etc. I also posted about it on the blog, you can read it here
On July 20 2022, my doctors told me that the meds can be tapered off. They told me I am in remission, so day before yesterday I stopped taking my meds as instructed by doctor. I’ve had only one “episode” in my life and it was the most awful thing that has happened to me in my whole life, I am 22 years old. But, I am happy that it’s over and I survived it. The spring is here!
I wanted to thank this community as it has been one of my coping mechanisms to post poetry here and read what other bloggers post. I love the support this community gives to bloggers like me and when I posted about my breakdown the first time, I was surprised by the amount of supporting comments, telling me that everything will be alright!
This haibun is inspired by my 3 days stay at the hospital, the prompt asks us to write about a time you looked up and saw.. something, well I saw that ceiling fan and I’ve had nightmares about that time too. So I chose to write about that and I’d also like to mention that the line I am losing my leaves is a tribute to the movie “Father” starring Anthony Hopkins as a man who has dementia. It is a heart breaking film, I love it very much.
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Take care
~Jay ❤
September heart-to-hearts 